


The Memory Was In the Forgetting (Part 1)

by Novembaby_13



Category: Gwen/Lancelot - Fandom, Merlin (TV), Merlin AU - Fandom, Merlin/Arthur - Fandom
Genre: Depressed Merlin, F/M, Longing, Lust, M/M, Merthur - Freeform, Work In Progress, lost arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-07 01:51:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3156509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Novembaby_13/pseuds/Novembaby_13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Its been so long since Merlin could touch Arthur. Its been too long. As Merlin finally finds peace and love after over a thousand years, his world is turned upside down. He must find all the knights and convince them of the truth, while searching for the MIA Arthur in this story set in the present day. Can Merlin find and put Arthur's knights back together? Can he show them the truth? Or will Merlin fail his king once again? Can he even find his king when he has no clue where to begin? The race is on as Morgana and Mordred have already teamed up to stop Merlin. Can Merlin let go of the life he has lived to move forward with Arthur? Will there ever be peace in Merlin's immortal life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue: MERLIN  
How it all began:  
Watching the love of your life die in your arms could be considered a traumatizing event. However, the most traumatizing thing in my life was being forced to live out my days alone. At first I thought it was like a holy mission or destiny, but around the time the second millennium began, the feeling of complete and utter loneliness and insignificance set in.  
What was the point in living?  
But whatever force kept me from aging past the day that Arthur died was the same force that kept bringing me back from all my suicide attempts. I couldn’t die.  
After I spent a year drinking my sorrows away in dirty pub in some part of Asia, I decided that if I was going to live forever, I was going to live like I had a million years to figure out the meaning of this useless existence.  
I began a worldwide trek doing whatever I wanted to do. I had magic; I could create the funds and means to go wherever the wind took me.  
I tried drugs.  
I tried religions.  
I tried on all sorts of men. Raj in India in 2002, Dimitri in Russia in 2003, Malik in North Africa in 2004, Francois in France in 2005, Jorge in Spain in 2006, Johann in the Netherlands in 2007, Samuel in Brazil in 2008, Juan in Mexico in 2009, but my man whore ways ended abruptly when I met Alex Whitman in the United States in 2010.  
Alex woke me from my jaded state and reminded me of the good in this world. He made me lose faith in this idea that I was still alive to help fulfill a prophecy long forgotten.  
He did not call me Merlin, or Merray. He did not laugh at my name. He did not shy away from my sordid past. He accepted me for the person I had always been and that changed me in a way that is almost unimaginable because Alex did not let me make excuses for my behavior or skulk because I had a tough past. He kept reminding me to move forward in this life because without forward momentum life was just a mouse, some cheese, and wheel.  
“You just gotta keep going Merls. Gotta see that cheese as a light at the end of a tunnel and believe that somehow every step you take brings you closer; otherwise you see that life is an illusion and you’re just a mouse running on a wheel.”  
He always told me this when I would get discouraged about my life and his Texan accent practically burned the words into my skull.  
Forward momentum was the key. Keep moving forward.  
That was how I found myself in the fanciest restaurant in the town of Tiny, Texas, sitting across from the man I loved and getting sidelong glances from the republicans and homophobes that sat around us. Our waiter, a woman who seemed more than uncomfortable serving two gay men, had just dropped off the champagne when Alex got down on one knee.  
“Merls,” he began, “I know that I am not perfect. I have a terrible accent that drives you crazy. I am not the best in bed. And I have not lived as much as you have in your twenty-two years on Earth.”  
I did not tell him about Arthur or the legend or even how old I really was. I told him the age I was frozen in and I alluded to a troubled time in my love life when I was in love with my best friend, who just happened to be very straight and married, and he did not need to know more because he was always very understanding. So much so that when he knew I no longer wished to talk about something, he changed the subject, he never pried. He did not feel like he needed to because he trusted me. He trusted me with all of his heart and I never, ever, planned on breaking it because he was the man I loved.  
“But Merls,” he continued in his grating accent, “I love you. I will always love you. I want to start a family with you. I want to live this life with you, forsaking all others, for better or worse. Will you marry me?”  
I knew the answer I wanted to give because he was the first and only other man I had ever loved except for Arthur. But whatever divine force that set everything in my life in motion. The one that led me to meet Arthur when he just a prince, with much to prove, and I was only a young warlock. The same force brought both me and Arthur down and cursed me to this life of loneliness, that very same force intervened yet again.  
A bus boy, no older than I happened to trip over the man I loved and dumped his entire crate of used dishes all over me. He was so flustered that he then tried to clean me up with his little rag, that was no doubt full of even more table scraps, he rubbed a little too close to my crotch for comfort. I shoved him off of me and got a real look at the man who was practically feeling me up.  
It was Gawain.  
Not someone that looked like him. Nor a descendant. It was Gawain.  
“Gawain?” I whispered and he looked at me in confusion, like he was trying to decide if I was some one night stand that he had been too drunk to remember or an old friend whose name he could no longer recall.  
I couldn’t help the small grin that made its way across my face, stretching from one gigantic ear to another. Gawain and I had been the best of friends in the life before now. His handsome but pirate-like looks made him the man whore of Arthur’s knights and there were many nights when I had to cover for him because he was balls deep in some noble woman, man, or prostitute.  
Arthur always called Gawain an immature ass, but I knew he respected Gawain’s loyalty and immeasurable amount of game when it came to the ladies.  
He hadn’t changed one bit. Even now, I could see a hickey on his neck and he looked exactly the same. His hair was shoulder length, black, and his skin a tanned golden brown. He was built in a way that warned he could totally kick your ass if he felt it necessary, but not obviously ripped. He was still beautiful.  
“Begging your pardon, sir, but do I know you?” he asked, his voice a nice deep tone, but not gravelly and his accent was completely Texan. I grinned at him,  
“No, I guess not.”  
I was more than happy to forget Gawain and his sudden reincarnation, but I felt this strange pull in my mind. I felt lightheaded and like I was being sucked into some sort of spell. I learned long ago not to fight magic because it was invariably stronger than my will. So I let whatever was pulling me from my consciousness do its work, letting my eyes close, and my body go slack.  
Suddenly, I was standing before the Great Dragon, Killagarrah.  
“Merlin,” his voice shook the very foundation on which I stood, “How long has it been my dear boy? A few millennia?” he chuckled to himself and gave me a toothy grin.  
“Killagarrah. I would say it is lovely to see you, but your presence here can only mean that you wish to point me off the path I want to take. I won’t let you this time. I am in love and happy and I don’t particularly care to go chasing after him again. It was agony enough the first time. Please,” I begged, “let me have some happiness in this worthless existence.”  
Killagarrah only frowned at me before continuing,  
“I think you have already deduced that it is time for the prophecy to be fulfilled. It is time that you reunite Arthur and his knights. It is time for a golden age dear boy. You should rejoice, not whine because some useless mortal has a claim on your heart. Merlin, you must remember, I told you that your destiny was intertwined with Arthur’s. Your life is not your own. Accept this now and fulfill what the fates have cast, otherwise the world will perish again.”  
I shook my head,  
“Nope. I am not going to deal with your slut shaming sir. I have found happiness beyond my own imaginings. You cannot make me give up what I have-“  
“Have you any idea how ridiculous you sound?! The most powerful warlock of all time, wasting your life on a mortal who is of no great value to the fates! Have you met the fates? Trust me, would you rather your mortal lover live, or have his life cut short because of your moronic idea of love?”  
I hated this dragon. I hated him because he was the herald of all the great endings in my life. He told me when every sense of normalcy was over. He told me when the love of my life was dead and my reason for living gone forever. Now here he was again, ending the only time of true happiness in my life,  
“You cannot make me do this Killagarrah. I will not do it.”  
The dragon let out an angry sigh and I thought for sure he was going to kill me, but then there was a sparkle in his eyes. Some thought that he had not considered brought him so much amusement that he let out a harsh chuckle,  
“Young warlock, you say you are happy, but what makes you happy is this mortal. This mortal will not out live you. You are immortal. You are destined to be alone. The fates could take him away from you, but I know you would rather him live.  
“You are right, I cannot make you do something that you do not want to do, but I can remind you that the world has perished once already because of Arthur’s so-called love for Guinevere. It is your responsibility to make sure that all of its inhabitants do not perish again.”  
It was only then I realized how selfish I sounded. I failed the first time and the world had perished because of it, I had no right to damn it all to hell because I had a shaggable boyfriend that wanted nothing more than to make me happy. A boyfriend, who wanted to marry me, but would die if I were ever to say “yes”. Could I risk his life for my own selfish whims?  
No, I could not. Not anymore than I could risk the lives of billions because Killagarrah was right; my life had never been my own. With a sinking heart I found myself asking,  
“How am I to find the knights and Arthur?”  
Killagarrah smiled at me with genuine pride, like a father would smile at his son,  
“The fates have not revealed such things to me, but it is my understanding that the knights will come to you and all you have to do is have them meet with Arthur. Forge the old alliances and friendships and the fates will take care of the rest.”  
I felt the same lightheadedness once again, and I knew that I was being sent back to that moment in time, from which I was plucked, my mission simple: leave Alex and pursue Gawain.  
How was I going to be able to leave Alex? He was my everything, could I even stand to leave him, to go on with my life, leaving all that I loved behind me? I wasn’t sure that I was strong enough for this mission, but then I remembered the last time I felt this way.

Arthur was dying, I had failed him in every way, and now he was going to die because I was too late. Too late to stop him from seeing Guinevere and Lance together. Too late to the final battle between him and Mordred. Too late to stop Mordred from striking him down where he stood on the battleground. I killed Mordred, but I was too late and Arthur was already half dead by the time I found him.  
“Arthur? What can I do?”  
He smiled at me warmly,  
“My dear friend, you have served me well. I cannot ask more of you than to just hold me.”  
Tears running down my cheeks, I wrapped my arms around him before I whispered the only truth I had left in this life,  
“I love you Arthur.”  
He squeezed one of my hands, holding onto it until his breathing stopped, his eyes closed, and his heart stopped.  
The world had stopped turning for a single moment and all my grief came crashing down on me like the weight of the world, enveloping me like the ocean. I felt like I was dying, like every beat of my heart was another painful reminder of his death, but then a switch flipped in my mind and I realized that I had to lay him to rest. In fact, that was all I could focus on to keep from slipping back into that ocean of despair, I had to take Arthur and give him a king’s funeral.  
When I finally had him floating on the lake, waiting to light the boat on fire until he was far enough from shore, that the flames would not spread, the world came crashing down again. I could not light that boat on fire because the man inside could not be dead. He was supposed to be the greatest ruler of them all. He was supposed to bring about a golden age and he had not had the chance. I cursed the fates and all things that were living because the world was going on without him and it should be falling apart right alongside me. How was I supposed to go on without him? That was when Killagarrah appeared and set the boat a light before coming to me and telling me about the fates’ great plan B, where I would never die and Arthur would return to me someday when the world would need him again. Killagarrah warned me that the world would have to suffer to fulfill the first prophecy, but told me not to worry because Arthur would return.

Now it was time for his return, but what would it cost me to have him back?  
Alex.  
I turned to Alex who was still fussing at Gawain for ruining this moment and I enjoyed these last few moments of Alex coming to my defense and loving me fiercely, then I put my hand on his shoulder. He turned around and smiled at me with unabashed affection and I felt the frown settle on my face.  
“Alex, I can’t be with you anymore. I can’t marry you.”  
Alex scowled at the floor for a minute and then all in a rush whispered,  
“Merls, please, I know that I’m not perfect, but I love you and I will always love you. Don’t do this to me. Don’t reject me out of fear. I will never forgive you if you do.”  
I shook my head,  
“Alex, I’m not afraid. The truth is that I have things I have to do and another man that I love. That I have always loved. You never pried about my past, but I have to face those demons that you cannot ever know about before I could ever marry you. And I can’t ask for you to wait for me because I have to face the man who has always had my heart and I don’t think you’ll want what’s left of me when I am done. Please understand, you have made me happier than I could’ve ever dream, but I cannot marry you and I do not imagine that you will forgive me for this and for that I am sorry.”  
I recognized the look on Alex’s face. I had worn it once. Complete and utter decimation because what you loved had now faded and everything about that love was now tainted.  
He left me with only a curt nod and a notice on when I could pick up my things from his place. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I wouldn’t need those things because I never planned to see him again in his entire life.  
I already felt destroyed by this mission, and it was only the beginning.

 

1: Gawain  
Merlin had never really thought much about the whole reincarnation process or what it really meant to be reincarnated. He couldn’t help but wonder how he should broach the situation at hand. Firstly, he was now homeless, secondly, he was jobless, and thirdly, he needed to get to know a stranger who wasn’t as much of a stranger as he should’ve been.  
Most people in the restaurant had witnessed his break up with Alex, so he was already feeling fairly uncomfortable in general, but he knew that he had to work out a way to meet Gawain without being suspicious.  
An idea struck Merlin and he pursued it.  
He stalked to the back of the restaurant where Gawain was and tapped him on the shoulder.  
“Can you help me out?”  
Gawain gave Merlin a broad and welcoming smile,  
“Sure can. Whatcha’ need?”  
Merlin shrugged noncommittally,  
“I seem to be in need of employment and place to stay; do you think there is somebody here who can help me with either of those? You see, I just broke up with my longtime boyfriend and I’m kind of wankered.”  
Gawain chuckled heartily,  
“You came to the right person my friend. What’s ya name?”  
Merlin couldn’t help the grin that spread from ear to ear and braced himself for the inevitable laughing fit from Gawain,  
“My name is Merlin Emrys, but my friends call me Merls.”  
He didn’t even try to restrain his laughter, and Merlin was slightly offended by this but tried not to show it.  
“We are just your regular Merlin the wizard and Gawain the knight, aren’t we? Man, that’s the kinda shit that even the poets of the world wouldn’t have dreamt of. Damn! Oh man!” Gawain continued laughing and cursing off and on for a while before he could finally form a coherent thought.  
“Well, Merlin,” he let out another giggle, “I happen to have a vacancy at my place and the hook up here to get you a fulltime position as a dishwasher or busboy, but I must warn you that I have loud sex with all of my gentlemen callers, some of which will do the walk of shame to work in this restaurant. If you can live with me and all of my flaws then you are certainly welcome to come live with me. I have a second bedroom and my apartment isn’t all that bad. The rent isn’t too bad and with two people, we could be banking most of the time…” he trailed off, leaving room for Merlin to reject him before he went into detail about the actual living arrangements.  
“Look mate, I don’t care if your sex sounds like Mardi Gras or if I happen to meet a few new people during their walks of shame. I honestly need somewhere to live because I don’t think my ex-boyfriend will be willing to let me stay in his apartment while I find a place to live.”  
Gawain nodded, understanding the need and Merlin couldn’t help but think back to first time he had ever met Gawain.

“Friend,” a stranger clapped his hand on Merlin’s back, “You drinking to gain courage or forget your sorrows?”  
Merlin shoved his hand off and continued to drink his brew, disregarding the handsome pirate-like man behind him because he was too busy trying to forget the way Arthur had looked at Guinevere at the ball last night.  
“Drinking to forget then? I understand, I have been there friend and I promise that whoever is causing you to feel this way does not deserve you. Find yourself a pretty woman and bury your broken heart and worries inside her and forget the person you are drinking so much for.”  
Merlin turned around, angry at this man’s assumptions about his life,  
“Do not presume to know me or my struggles! I am not your friend, I am a man who simply wishes to drown his sorrows in a brew or bury them in a pretty man, so go away.”  
Gawain smiled a little bit wider and whispered in one of Merlin’s oversized ears,  
“I am rather pretty and do not mind a little male attention,” he ran a hand up Merlin’s thigh, “I would appreciate some company if you would like to come with me. Bury your sorrows in my arse and do whatever unspeakable things you wish to me, I would be more than happy to be a slave for you heart ache.”  
Merlin was almost tempted by the amount of lustful things this man’s tone implied he would be willing to succumb to, all for the sake of getting him out of that tavern, but Merlin knew better than to accept a good sucking or anything else from just anyone because he was one of Arthur’s most trusted advisors. Most people in the kingdom either recognized his name or his face, surely this man knew who he was and just had a plan to use him.  
“I am terribly sorry but I cannot do that because you are not a trustworthy person. I can only really hang out with Arthur’s men. I would be so happy though, to bury my thick cock inside you and treat you like my own slave of pleasure, but you are not on my level…” Merlin paused to think about what he had just said, “I sound like a prat. Spent too much time with his highness. You know what, how about you come to the palace with me and I can try to convince Arthur to knight you? You want to be knighted?”  
Gawain was smirking,  
“Not really, friend. You see I do not much care for titles, I would rather live a life of honesty, my dad was a nobleman and I do not wish to be like my dead father.”  
Merlin was shocked by this revelation, but did not pursue the man further; he simply returned to his brew and hoped that this man would go away.  
“So,” Gawain began again, “You do not want me to suck you off? I am quite good at it. I could make you wish for a swift end by the time I am done with you. What d’you say?”  
Merlin shook his head.  
“Come on friend, I can promise you this much, I do not want any favors you can grant me with your position. I just need some company this eve.”  
Merlin smiled and started to make another argument when the man reached across and kissed him violently. His tongue assaulting Merlin’s mouth in delicious ways and Merlin could not help but return that kiss, but he broke it off.  
“No. I am afraid that I know better than to accept such an offer when I am drunk and lonely and heart broken. However, if that kiss is any suggestion of what you could do, then let me just say that I am already regretting this decision.”  
Gawain smiled at him once more before taking his leave and sitting across the tavern from Merlin, shooting him meaningful looks every so often. It took every ounce of will power Merlin had to not go over and accept the illicit offer from Gawain, but when he went to pay his bill, Merlin had been grossly over charged because of his position. He argued with the tavern woman until her husband showed up and started to threaten Merlin with physical harm.  
“Sir,” Merlin tried to warn him, “I could have you on the flat of your back in no time flat. I am not saying I will not pay you for the refreshments, but I will not pay you more than I owe you.”  
The husband lost it and Merlin was forced to use his magic, levitating a goblet so that it would hit the husband in the head with enough force to knock him out, but he was too late, Gawain was already going to blows for Merlin. Then the entire tavern was on their feet and it was no longer a question of whether or not Merlin would get out of this without magic or Gawain’s help.  
“Gawain,” Merlin shouted trying not to panic, “I think we ought to get out of here.”  
Gawain took a look at the situation developing around him and he smiled at Merlin charmingly,  
“Friend, I am in agreement with what you are suggesting.”  
Then they fought their way out using Gawain’s fighting skills and Merlin’s magic, and they managed a quick and speedy escape into the night.  
“I do not think they will be appreciating future patronage from you or me, friend.” Gawain joked and Merlin could not help himself any longer, he burst into tears because even the tavern, his safe haven, had been taken away. Where was he to go now when Arthur broke his heart by loving Guinevere and looking at every woman the way he wished he would look at Merlin?  
“I love him. I love him and now I have nowhere to mourn the love that will never be returned…”  
Gawain took Merlin’s hand in the dark and whispered in his ear sweetly,  
“One day you will find a love that is so spectacular that you will not remember these days when your only solace was brew in a crowded tavern.” He squeezed Merlin’s hand and kissed his forehead.  
Merlin led Gawain to the castle and let him stay in his chambers for the night while Merlin attempted to collect the pieces of his heart before he was forced to return to his duties in the morning.  
Merlin could not help but doubt Gawain’s words and find a small hope in them as well.

Even now Merlin could hear those words rattling about in his and he could not help but smile at present Gawain because he truly had not changed. He was still honest and full of compassion.  
“Here,” Gawain said, “This is my address, you can head over there now and hang out or you can wait until I get off in an hour and we can go together. Your choice.”  
Merlin smiled brightly and as disarmingly as he could,  
“I will wait. I do not want to be alone right now.”  
Gawain nodded in understanding and showed Merlin to the break room where he could wait. There was a television in the room, tuned to American cartoons that were mind-numbing. Too mind-numbing for Merlin to keep his heart from beginning to despair his loss.  
Alex. Alex. Alex.  
All of his thoughts came back to Alex and he felt like he might throw himself out of a window or have another suicide attempt because the fates would always bring him back from whatever end he came up with. So he continued to think about Alex, trying to take all of his memories of the man and admire them one last time before packing them away forever. He could not forget them, but he would put them away because they were of no use to him anymore. Merlin sealed them away with the promise that Alex would find somebody to truly love him once he realized that all he had had with Merlin was half-truths and secrets.  
*****

 

Gawain had been strangely quiet on the way home and Merlin couldn’t help but wonder if he was rethinking taking in a stranger. He couldn’t blame Gawain if he did regret this decision; Merlin was fairly odd and came with plenty of emotional baggage, not to mention that he was a complete stranger to Gawain. Gawain didn’t know him from Adam.  
But when they arrived at the apartment, Merlin understood the silence when a very angry gentleman was there to greet them both. Merlin wanted to laugh because he recognized the gentleman as Kay, another one of Arthur’s knights, but the atmosphere was already strained when Kay flew off the handle for no apparent reason and Gawain dragged the hot head through the door and shut it before Merlin could enter.  
The shouting match that took place between the two was one that belonged between lovers, not friends. From what Merlin remembered of the old Kay and Gawain, they had always fought like an old married couple, but Gawain was the only one with less than straight interests. Now Gawain was completely gay and it seemed as though he and Kay were involved in some sort of affair, but Gawain flat out accused Kay,  
“You are gay and you won’t admit it! That’s not my problem, it’s yours, I’m happy with the person I am and I don’t have time for a man who is too afraid to admit to his own interests. GET OUT OF MY FUCKING APARTMENT!”  
Kay didn’t leave, he pleaded with Gawain,  
“Gawain, baby, I love you, but I’m not gay. I just love you, I’m still straight as a board, and I still get a hard on when I watch Winslet in the Titanic. I am not gay and I will leave this apartment when I feel you understand that I love the person you are but you and I can’t be together like we were,” he paused and even Merlin could feel the anger radiating from Gawain, “We can be friends, even brothers, but I can’t be your lover. It’s wrong Gawain. It’s all wrong.”  
Gawain choked on harsh laughter,  
“You give Sarah the same speech when you want to be with me? I’m not straight, I’m gay,” Gawain mocked with false sympathy, “let’s be friends. Friends?! I am not your friend and you surely are not mine. I am done playing this game with you. You don’t know who you are any more than I know what the weather is gonna be like in ten years! Get out Kay, and don’t you dare come back unless you plan on admitting that you’re gay and wrong.”  
Kay shouted his reply before storming out,  
“It’s wrong Gawain! It’s not natural, none of it! I am a man of Christ and I can’t be with you anymore because it’s wrong.”  
Merlin was hesitant to go in after such a display, but what was he supposed to do, sleep on the porch? He knocked tentatively and whispered,  
“Gawain, I don’t mean to bother, but I’m still out here…”  
Gawain opened the door, but didn’t look Merlin in the eye because whatever emotions were at play there, Gawain wanted to keep them hidden. Merlin respected Gawain’s feelings and did his best to stay out of the way of the man who was crying. Merlin was starting to get really confused by the changes between the past and the present. Kay was still a very devout man, like he had always been, but now he was questionably gay? What was this reality? Was everything topsy-turvey in this reincarnated world? Was every knight going to be gay?  
Gawain interrupted Merlin’s reverie,  
“Look, you are really bad at this whole friend thing. By now you should’ve asked me about Kay or why I was so upset. You aren’t one of those guys who don’t know how to talk about his emotions or be compassionate? Or worse, you aren’t one of those: I’m so isolated that I never wanna talk about my emotions, your emotions, or even emotional movies? I can’t handle those kind of people.”  
Merlin chuckled,  
“No mate, I was just giving you your space to get yourself in order before I played twenty questions with your love life.”  
Gawain managed a smile before he started to explain everything,  
“Kay and I were best friends all through high school and I’ve always felt really attracted to him. A burning desire, that I managed to keep to myself until now because he came back from college, after proposing to his high school sweetheart, and he just threw me up against a wall and started telling me about all these fantasies about fucking me into oblivion. Then we were together for a few days and he promised me that he was going to break up with Sarah, his high school sweetheart, but he texted me at work and told me that he needed to talk to me. You know the rest, and I’m sorry you had to make your first memory of this place that,” Gawain paused and started to tear up again, “I was fine until he did that. I love him and he wants to forget one of the best nights of my life and pretend that we were never together. How am I supposed to that Merls? How am I supposed to go on living when I’m not even sure there’s a point to this life?”  
Merlin felt terrible about what was happening with Gawain, but he really couldn’t offer any solace because he knew that kind of pain and he always compartmentalized things like his feelings because he knew he wouldn’t be able to really function otherwise.  
“I don’t know that this will make you feel better,” Merlin began, “but I broke up with my fiancée because I have things I need to figure out and a man I already love. A man who put me through hell like Kay has done to you. I’m sorry, I would say it gets better, but I honestly haven’t experienced better yet… If I ever do though, you’ll be the first to know.”  
Gawain busted out laughing so hard that the couch they were sitting was shaking. Gawain always had a hearty laugh, but the sound of it always brought comfort to Merlin.  
“Merls,” he managed between fits, “you are going to be good for my health, I can already tell. By the way,” he said shifting the conversation entirely, “where are you from? You have this light accent, but I can’t figure out where you are from and its driving me crazy.”  
A coy smile made its way across Merlin’s face and he thought about how to answer this particular question. In truth he was from Britain, but he had lived nomadically for a while now, so he really wasn’t from anywhere that he would call home. Camelot had been built on long ago and all of the sacred places long lost, his home had really been wherever Arthur was. Since he didn’t know where Arthur was he settled for,  
“I don’t really have a home, but I spent a fair amount of time in England, but I’ve been almost anywhere you can dream. I haven’t had a real home in a long time. I’ve always just felt like I was drifting without purpose for most of my life, alone and unwanted by all.”  
Gawain was rather upset by this thought; his frown looked like it was permanently set on his face. He almost looked like one of the models for Michael Angelo, Merlin thought, they were usually Gawain’s build and very snotty. Michael was such a snob too, so he had fun pissing off his models and making them frown because they could hold that facial expression longer than any other. Michael would then pay them with money and sex. Merlin would know, Michael used Merlin as a model once, and he only changed the size of Merlin’s ears so that people wouldn’t recognize Merlin and because, as Michael said, he couldn’t “abide” Merlin’s ears.  
Unlike the models, Gawain’s sour face melted away quickly when he had an idea. Merlin recognized the glint in the man’s eyes, and he knew that Gawain was planning something big.  
“Merlin,” he said, “have you ever had a party thrown in your honor?”  
Merlin thought about this for a moment, then looked at Gawain with trepidation,  
“No…Why?”  
Gawain chuckled and grabbed his phone, quickly punching in numbers as he ran off to his room to make plans in secret. Merlin was continually amazed at the similarities between this Gawain and past Gawain. Past Gawain had thrown Merlin’s only birthday party. It wound up being a small gathering, the knights and Arthur, where everyone congratulated Merlin on living yet another year without dying from some unspeakable disease. Arthur gave Merlin a present, but the present was a room of his own, right across the hall from Arthur’s. This kind gesture was ruined when Arthur announced that he planned to marry Guinevere, despite Merlin’s warning that her love wasn’t true.  
Of course, Merlin wasn’t going to let this unfortunate party define his partying experience because after two millennia, he knew what a good party was, he’d lived through the renaissance and the roaring twenties; he knew how to party.  
Suddenly, Merlin was very tired and knew that Gawain was probably going to hand out in his room the rest of the evening. Merlin stretched his long legs out across the couch and let himself drift into a deep sleep, one he deserved after a day such as this. Breaking Alex’s heart wasn’t the hardest thing Merlin had ever had to do; he could admit to himself that the hardest thing he had ever had to do was break his own heart so he could be more helpful to Arthur. He loved Alex, but the kind of undying love he had for Arthur easily eclipsed what he felt for Alex. That’s what he had to believe so that he wouldn’t look back and miss Alex. He had to feel that love, let it fill his entire being so that he could keep moving forward.  
Merlin tried to formulate a plan, had to figure out how to rekindle these friendships from another life. He had to find all the knights, so far he had only found Gawain and Kay, and Gawain wasn’t interested in friendship with Kay. Merlin had briefly read the two men’s auras and seen that they were complementary, what would’ve been called true love during Arthur’s times, but what was more commonly referred to as being soul mates. Their auras had always burned a little brighter around each other, but their auras now were completely aligned in this life. Kay thought that what he felt was wrong, but these feelings that they both harbored were deeper than what either could ever comprehend. What they had was on a level that was beyond flesh and blood, they were practically written in the stars of destiny. Merlin had no idea what it meant to have a love like that, but he had something similar with Arthur.  
Merlin and Arthur were two sides of the same coin, which was like being soul mates, but without love. Merlin had craved a returned love for so long and Alex had been his one chance at it. Now, Merlin was going to pine after a man who would never love him the way he did, a man who filled his deepest, darkest fantasies, a man who was the beauty in all he saw on this earth, and a man who was more than a legend because he had imperfections and he tried to hide them but Merlin knew them all too well and loved Arthur for every single one. Deep down, Merlin knew that he would love Arthur forever, even if he really didn’t want to.  
Even if Arthur loved Merlin, it would never be deep enough or long enough for Merlin because immortality showed how fleetingly human life truly was. Merlin felt tears prick his eyes and he tried to wipe them away, but it was only after a good cry that Merlin was finally able to fall into his deep sleep. Into a dream where Arthur had never died and they were chasing bandits across Britain like they always had.  
***  
Gawain woke Merlin the next morning with the smell of eggs and bacon. Merlin followed the smell to the small kitchenette and Gawain grinned at him broadly as he served up breakfast.  
“So Merlin, how did you sleep last night?”  
Merlin heaved a sigh and simply dug into the food sitting in front of him, while Gawain continued busying himself in the kitchen.  
“I heard you crying last night Merlin and I want you to know that whatever happened between you and your boyfriend, you can share it with me. I don’t want you to suffer alone, so feel free to talk to me.”  
Merlin looked up and met Gawain’s inquisitive gaze with a look of total brokenness.  
“Gawain, if I told you the truth, you’d never believe me anyway. All I can say is that I screwed up everything between me and my ex because I loved another man and I wasn’t honest about it. I loved him every day I was with Alex. I thought about him daily and even had some steamy dreams that I acted out with Alex. I betrayed Alex daily by thinking about him and I finally did the right thing last night by telling Alex that I loved somebody else.”  
Gawain sighed and looked at Merlin sympathetically before he slammed his hand down on the counter,  
“Merlin! You loved that man! Don’t lie to him by saying you didn’t, that’s as bad as what Kay did to me! You better not be an ass like Kay because I won’t let you live here.”  
Merlin chuckled because he knew Gawain meant it,  
“You are such a hot head. I’m not denying that I loved Alex, I’m just saying that what we built together was built on betrayal because I betrayed him with my thoughts. That man is my demon, my cross to bear for all eternity. I owed Alex more than a love that was only half of what I’m capable. I couldn’t love him entirely and I owed him that much. I’m nothing like Kay, I was honest with the person who wanted to share their life with me,” I paused and picked my words carefully, “that man was my Gawain and Alex was Kay’s fiancé. I just wish that the man I love could love me back.”  
Gawain’s harsh expression melted and he went back to busying himself in the kitchen, doing the dishes with more fervor than they deserved. He whipped around suddenly, rubber gloves dripping soap suds as he shouted,  
“One day you will find a love so spectacular that you won’t remember days like these.” Then he promptly turned around and continued washing. Merlin was taken off guard by the similarity in what present Gawain and past Gawain had promised him. Before he really had time to process what he was doing, Merlin crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Gawain’s waist as he whispered,  
“Thank you.”  
Gawain smiled and patted Merlin’s arms before Merlin let go, each of them returning to their tasks and ignoring one another for the time being.

2: Dagonet  
Three weeks after moving in with Gawain and Merlin was beginning to settle into his new habitat and Gawain’s source at the restaurant finally came through with the job as a dishwasher. Merlin started work that morning and he couldn’t have been more excited to wash dishes in his entire life.  
The manager was obviously a pushy prick who seemed like he would take any chance to fire Merlin, or any other employee because he got some sick pleasure out of exerting his power over others. Merlin knew that he probably should’ve been apprehensive about taking this job, but he was more excited about the chance to really interact with people outside of Gawain, that he really didn’t care if the manager bent him over the counter and threatened to take him then and there.  
Life with Gawain was an endless array of quirky rom-com moments and unfortunate happenings. As he had promised, Gawain had marched man after man through their apartment for their walks of shame, and while Merlin was patient, he was starting to get fed up with it. The sex was loud. The morning encounters were awful. And Gawain wasn’t feeling any more satisfied than he had to begin with.  
Kay still came around every so often, twice when Merlin had been there, but judging by the number of pints of ice cream that were now in the trash bin, Merlin knew that Kay had been around more than those two times. In fact, Merlin was convinced that Kay was purposefully waiting to get Gawain alone to either bully him into agreeing that Gawain was living in the wrong or hoping to get one more go around before it was really over between the two men.  
Merlin didn’t get along well with Kay. Merlin hadn’t gotten on well with Kay from the beginning, but he certainly didn’t get on well with Kay now. They had had a troubled friendship even in the past and it all started the day that Kay told Arthur to let go of Merlin because Merlin was gay.

It wasn’t that Merlin was openly gay, but Kay just kept pushing the matter.  
“Why don’t you go and get yourself some tail Merlin? There’s a bar maid over there and I bet her tits will make even a prude like you get it up.”  
Merlin slammed his cup on the table, took the man by the neck of his cloak, ignoring the fact that Kay was at least three times his size, he pulled the man close to his face and in the most menacing voice he had he whispered,  
“I am not going to have cheap sex with that bar maid. In case it has eluded you, I am not interested in women at all. So drop it Kay or I will make you regret messing with me.”  
Merlin released the man and tried to relax, but Kay suddenly realized the subtext of Merlin’s threat and would not drop the matter,  
“You are gay...?”  
Merlin did not honor his question with an answer; he simply walked out of the tavern and into the forest nearby, where he let off some magical steam before heading back to the castle.  
When Merlin arrived at the castle late that night, he found Arthur sitting on the bed in his room and despite the fact that he had had many late night fantasies that started this way, he knew that Arthur very rarely stayed up this late. This was not a good sign. Merlin thought about leaving as if he did not see Arthur, but Arthur had already begun his speech,  
“Merlin, I am not a judgmental person most of the time. Rarely do I ever judge someone for who they choose to love because I know love is not a force to be meddled with. However, Kay came to me earlier this evening claiming that you had confessed to him, that your interests are toward the male persuasion. I told him that it was not a big deal to me, even if you were homosexual, but that I would not allow him to make false accusations against you. I do not expect you to find any part of this fair, but I do need to know if you are...so that I do not falsely defend you against those that Kay will tell. Merlin, are you-uh- are you …?”  
Merlin saw the discomfort that Arthur was experiencing and wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him and tell him that it was all lies and that he would bed as many women as it took to convince anyone so that Arthur would never have to feel this way again. But Merlin’s pride got the better of him and he whispered the word that Arthur could not find, despite his eloquence,  
“Gay. Yes, I am.”  
Arthur was taken aback, but did not run away from Merlin, nor did he look at Merlin any differently than normal. Arthur let the words sink in, let his mind wrap around the idea that Merlin was gay, then he smiled at Merlin and said,  
“This changes nothing. You are still my friend and best ally. I cannot deny the accusations made about you, but I will not let anybody treat you differently because of this. You have always been gay and we will treat you no differently than if you were like Gawain. Just, try not to come onto any of the knights, yeah?”  
Merlin shook his and joked,  
“Oh, I only have eyes for royalty, why waste time on such provincial things as knights?”  
Arthur was roaring with laughter, clapping a hand on Merlin’s back before wishing him a good evening as he returned to his chambers.  
Merlin was not entirely sure why, but Arthur’s laughter had been a blessing and a curse. He was glad that Arthur would remain the same, but saddened by the easy joke of his affections for the prince. Merlin knew it was stupid, but he could not help his useless pride. Silly as it was, Merlin went to bed sad after all the laughter because he was once again reminded that Arthur would never love him back.  
The next morning, Kay had managed to talk to every knight and most were unfazed by Merlin’s sexual orientation, but Kay’s comments about Merlin’s “sinful tendencies” never faltered from that day forward. Kay was a strictly religious man and did not approve of Merlin, but he did help Merlin on occasion because for all his big talk, Kay did not actually believe that Merlin was a bad guy.

The manager left Merlin by the dishwashing machine while he ran off to grab the man who was going to train Merlin and be his direct supervisor. The manager also told Merlin that he would be promoted quickly to a host if he showed his commitment to the restaurant by being a dishwasher for the first month.  
“You’re too pretty,” the manager breathed, getting in Merlin’s personal space, “to keep back here with Dag. Besides, we already have five dishwashers, two for every shift and an extra for call-ins,” he paused smelling Merlin’s hair, “we don’t need six men for this job.”  
Merlin let out a nervous laugh and simply nodded in agreement before being passed off to his direct supervisor, Dag. Better known to Merlin as Sir Dagonet, Arthur’s ex-jester and brooding knight of the Round Table.

Dagonet had not been the same since Uther commanded him to kill a village of women and children because there was a rumor that someone in the village practiced magic. Dagonet had been one of Arthur’s friends growing up, he had become Arthur’s beloved jester when they were young knights in training, often running away from conflict, but he loved to boast that he could take any man. When Merlin had been first hired to the prince’s service, he had caught Dagonet beating his shield so that it looked like he got into it with someone. Merlin had been sworn to secrecy,  
“Look, Arthur and the others cannot know, they will laugh at me, Merlin. I will do anything that you wish, just please do not say anything.”  
Merlin had promised not to say anything, but he did not have to help keep up appearances long because after a week in the prince’s service, Dagonet had been sent to cleanse a local village of any who practiced magic. He returned a changed man, haunted by ghosts that none of the knights could even begin to understand and Dagonet did not try to reach out to anyone except Arthur and Merlin because he did not want somebody else to share his struggles.  
Arthur and Dagonet had been the best of friends even after the event that changed Dagonet entirely and Dagonet had given his life on the final battlefield by fighting Mordred to give Arthur a chance to finish off the man he was fighting.  
Dagonet was haunted by many demons that he took to the grave with him, but he had given his life for Arthur, so Merlin knew he owed Dagonet more than he could ever pay him back. Merlin had loved Dagonet as his brother and hoped that he would one day be able to repay Dagonet or his ancestors.

Merlin could tell that Dag was just as haunted as Dagonet had been and could only imagine what sort of demons had followed him from his past life, let alone what this man had done in this life. Dag didn’t speak with Merlin the entire time he trained him, he simply showed Merlin by example and made sure that Merlin could do what he had shown him. Merlin was quick on his feet and picked up most of the smaller things that Dag had taught him fast.  
Dag was clearly frustrated that Merlin was a fast learner, but that was only because Dag was used to training idiots and Merlin wasn’t an idiot. They were working together smoothly after about an hour and that’s when Dag finally said something to Merlin.  
“You should go by Emrys. There are too many idiots around here and you’ll become the joke of the kitchen. My real name is Dagonet, but I go by Dag so that people wouldn’t say anything or make jokes.”  
Merlin smiled and thought out his response to Dag before he thoroughly shoved his foot in his mouth,  
“Well, they probably would’ve stopped with jokes after they saw that Marines tattoo on your neck. That and you’re three times their size.”  
Dag scowled at Merlin and they continued in silence until he spat out,  
“I hate that tattoo and I hate the Marine Corps. Don’t ever bring that up ever again Emrys.”  
It was extremely uncomfortable for both of the dishwashers after that and Merlin wanted nothing more than to leave, but he knew that he had to break through Dag’s protective shell to the real man so that he could start to develop a relationship with the man. But Merlin wasn’t sure exactly how he was going to do it.  
At first Merlin tried to just talk to Dag every day, but Dag rarely ever spoke with Merlin, he generally waited for Merlin to stop talking so that he could return to business as usual. Merlin tried inviting Dag out to hang with him and Gawain, but Dag always refused because he didn’t like Gawain or didn’t have time or needed to go get in a workout before the end of the day. Merlin tried and tried, but Dag wasn’t biting and finally, when Dag refused him once again, Merlin’s magic got out of hand and the water scalded Dag.  
Merlin rushed to help Dag, but Dag only shot him an angry and knowing look.  
“Damn it Emrys!” Dag shouted at Merlin and grabbed a handful of the shirt Merlin was wearing then his voice dropped below a whisper, “If I’d known you had magic, I wouldn’t have wasted my time coming to work to help wash. So how long have you known that we are all being reincarnated?”  
Anxiety took hold of Merlin and he couldn’t find the words to form a reply, he just sat on the floor by Dag while Dag laughed and smacked him on the back.  
“You aren’t as clumsy in this life Merlin, that’s a good thing. Did your memories come back to you like they did with me? You know, when you experience some of the demons of your past in your present?”  
Merlin still didn’t answer, but Dag just kept going, knowing full well that silence was confirmation where Merlin is concerned,  
“It happened to me when I was in the Corps and they made us storm a village and I accidently killed a kid that had a gun in his hands because I thought he was a soldier. That’s when I had visions of what Uther made me do and I saw some of the faces of those I had killed. Over the last six months I’ve started to remember people and what they meant to me; you and Arthur are the clearest. When do I get to meet Arthur?”  
Finally Merlin snapped out of his shock,  
“I haven’t found Arthur yet and you aren’t supposed to remember any of this. Gawain doesn’t, Kay doesn’t, only I’m supposed to remember. Dagonet, I didn’t die, everyone else did, but I’ve lived on. I’m immortal and impossibly powerful Dagonet. Why do you remember?”  
“Because,” Dag whispered, “I’m not like the others, I was haunted and those spirits, they will haunt my soul as long as I walk this Earth. Don’t you see? I didn’t come back entirely unscathed like everyone else. I can’t believe you had to live through these last two millennia alone…”  
“Dag,” Merlin’s voice shook from all the fear welling inside of him, “no one can know about the past until we have Arthur and we are going to have to tell him first so that he can convince the rest of them.”  
Dag was nodding his head, processing everything that Merlin had said and then he asked a question that reminded Merlin of why they were such good friends in the past,  
“Do you still love him? Are you even able to love anymore?”  
Merlin couldn’t help himself; he grabbed his old friend’s shoulder and smiled as best he could as he answered,  
“I can still love and I don’t know who he is in this life. He could be a rock star or a politician’s son. He could live in America, or he might live in Britain. I don’t know him in this life, so to answer you no, I don’t still love him.”  
Merlin knew it was lie because he knew that Arthur would still be the same man he had been in the past, only the details changed. Dag was still forced to do something despicable when all he wanted was to help people and he could still see right through Merlin’s façade. Gawain was still a man whore with a heart of gold and Kay was still the religious man he had always been that clashed with Merlin at every turn.  
There was no doubt in Merlin’s mind that Arthur was going to be a brat that just needs a chance to show everyone that he can do whatever is necessary to create a better world. Arthur would be loyal to a fault and love all of his men like brothers and he would fall in love with someone spectacular and Merlin would be there for Arthur as he always had been. He would keep Arthur from wasting his love on Guinevere and protect him from the different threats of the world. Merlin would be Arthur’s best friend and loyal servant because that was his destiny all along.  
Dag and Merlin finished their shifts and went their separate ways after Merlin promised to get together with Dag after work the next night so that they could really talk strategy for finding everyone else. Dag was on fire for the mission, but Merlin couldn’t boast nearly so much zeal because he didn’t really want to return to the life he’d lived. In his life before, Merlin had been surrounded by people he cared for and respected, but he was alone in a way that most of the knights would never understand. Most of the knights had wives and lovers, but Merlin had no one to love him. Merlin was only a man after all; he needed someone to love him just as much as the next person, but all he had was unrequited love to keep his bed warm at night.  
When Merlin finally arrived home, he found Gawain completely shit-faced.  
“Merlssss…” Gawain slurred the name and made his way over to Merlin with all the grace he possessed and wrapped his arms around him, “Merls, I need some help. You see what had happened was I went to a bar to pick up a guy and I ran right,” he poked Merlin’s chest, “into Kay with his ‘fiance’,” Gawain made over-exaggerated air quotes, “and he chased me out of the bar and kissed me right here,” he pressed his fingers to Merlin’s lips, “and he told me to come to his wedding. I mean, the guy got me all hot and bothered and then left! So I got loaded enough to ask you for a favor. Merls, can you give me a quick lay?” Then he started to fiddle with Merlin’s belt, trying to undo it, but Merlin was thrashing against Gawain.  
“Gawain stop! I don’t want this,” He tried to push against Gawain, but the man was pure muscle, “Gawain, I will put you on your back if you don’t stop!” The threat was real but undermined by Merlin’s lack of strength to even push Gawain back. Suddenly Gawain was pressing his mouth to Merlin’s and Merlin couldn’t help it, his magic lashed out at the sudden attack. All Gawain saw before he was one the flat of his back was Merlin’s eyes glow a vibrant gold as an unknown force threw him off the man.  
Merlin leaned over Gawain, trying to make sure that he was okay, but Gawain just smiled at Merlin.

3: Lance, Bohrs, and Perceval

“I remember you! You loved Arthur and did magic. But no one could say anything about your gayness to his highness.” Gawain chuckled and then became suddenly alert, “This isn’t Camelot! What is this Merlin? Merlin? Warlock?”

This was the second time that someone had remembered their past and Merlin was slightly less shocked by it, but he knew that Gawain had only just remembered because he wouldn’t have pulled something like that if he had remembered Merlin’s powers. “Gawain? What made you remember?”

Gawain just smiled and pointed a very shaky finger at Merlin’s eyes, “Your pretty blue eyes flashed gold like they used to. Merlin, is Arthur the guy you broke up with Alex for? Because I thought he was dead.”

Merlin shook his head and tried not to let his fear shine through his cool façade, “He did die and so did you and Kay and Dagonet and everyone, except me, died on that battlefield because I was too late to stop Mordred. I thought I made it, but Arthur was already dying when I found him. You were all dead and he was left gasping out his last breaths.”

Gawain shook his head,

“No. That can’t be, I’m alive, and you’re crazy mate!”

Gawain’s old accent slipped into his voice and Merlin knew for sure that the man was confused,

“Mate, you died, but you have been reborn because the world needs Arthur again. It needs Arthur and his knights to come together to defend it against unspeakable evils.” Gawain cocked his head to one side, “What unspeakable evils?”

Merlin shrugged and told Gawain the party line,

“Arthur has come back to save the world, the evil will reveal itself someday, but the hard part is gathering all of the knights.”

Gawain, like Dag, was more than ready to help Merlin; the only difference was that Gawain had been holding out on Merlin. Gawain actually knew three more of the knights; he just didn’t know that Merlin needed to meet them.

“Look, I know Lancelot, he’s a case worker for the district attorney, he’s incredibly smart and he was gonna come to the surprise party I was throwing for you in a week as a sort of house warming thing. Bohrs was gonna bring his older brother Perceval; they live just down the building from us. I’m surprised you haven’t met them yet, you would’ve met them soon anyway.”

Merlin took in all this and asked the most important question of all,

“What names do they actually go by?”

Gawain smiled,

“Well, Perceval goes by Percy; Bohrs just goes by Bo; Lancelot goes by Lance and he kinda has a girlfriend…”Gawain trailed off like he didn’t want Merlin to know who this girlfriend was, “Her name is Gwen and-,” he paused, “she’s kinda not his girlfriend but he loves her and-“

“You have got to be fucking kidding me! Did we have to bring back that stupid bitch?! She already screwed the world over once!”

Gawain winced at Merlin’s harsh tone and mounted a pitiful defense, “She’s a really lovely girl, just troubled…”

“Yeah,” Merlin began, “She should be, she friggin’ slept with Lance and let Arthur find them! She married Arthur and not three weeks later broke his heart by cheating on him with one of his best knights.”

Gawain sighed and ran a hand through his hair before telling Merlin a little bit about the person Guinevere was in this life. Gwen was an orphan who had been put in the system and bounced from foster home to foster home because she kept running away. She wound up in juvenile hall when she was caught selling crack. She managed to make it through juvey cleanly, but when she was released after serving her sentence, she fell into old habits. She was briefly a prostitute, but she was brought in under prostitution charges and that’s when she met Lance because he was her case worker. He worked to get her off and she thanked him by going out and getting as high as a kite for a month straight until she was brought in again, only she managed to escape by giving the cop a really good hand job after snaking the handcuff keys. She’s been flying under the radar mostly, but every so often she goes running to Lance for help when she gets in over her head.

“That’s why she’s kinda his girlfriend. She comes crashing back into his life every time she thinks she might’ve overdosed or just needs somebody to hold her. I think a little piece of her knows she loves him, but the rest of her is just too fucked up to leave him alone.” Merlin couldn’t help the sarcastic laughter that erupted from his throat. “The woman is a slut who ruined my life once, I’m not gonna fall for her little sob story. I won’t.”

Merlin was determined to remain angry with Guinevere for all eternity because she got to be with Arthur. She had Arthur’s heart in hand and rather than be honest about her feelings for Lance when Arthur asked her point blank if she loved another, she just married him and hooked up with Lance while he was away for the weekend. Merlin couldn’t stand the thought of having to deal with her again because he had honestly trusted her with Arthur’s heart and she had broken both Merlin and Arthur with her betrayal. Gawain tried to touch Merlin’s shoulder supportively, but Merlin shrugged it off and left Gawain on the floor with a broken memory and a strange reality to make sense of. “Goodnight Gawain.”

***

The morning after Gawain remembered everything, Merlin didn’t come out of his room. He had a shift at work, but he had called in faking an illness because he just couldn’t imagine facing either Gawain or Dag, especially after finding out that his worst nightmare had been reincarnated. Merlin simply sat in the middle of his bed, wishing that he could talk to Arthur about how hard it was without his help. To guide him the way only Arthur could. Merlin had let himself be crushed by his grief over losing Arthur, but he had promised himself that he would find a way to keep living. Alex had been that reason for so long that Merlin forgot that he really needed Arthur more than people could imagine. Merlin listened to the only song that he could listen to when he thought about Arthur: I Won’t Say I’m Ok by Front Porch Step. Merlin lay in his bed and let himself weep because he wasn’t sure what to do without Arthur to show him the path at his feet.

“God,” he managed between sobs, “you had one job! To be here to show me where I was supposed to go… How am I supposed to go on without you? Even if you are back, you aren’t here by my side and that’s where I need you to be!”

Merlin felt the grief ripping him up inside and he knew Gawain must be worried about his roommate by now, but he couldn’t bring himself to even get up off his bed. Gawain sat outside the door of the only man who had the answers waiting and hoping that Merlin would come out of his room. Finally, Gawain couldn’t wait for Merlin any longer. He mustered up the courage to knock on the wooden barrier between him and Merlin.

“Merls, can I come in? Just need to verify that you’re alive.” Gawain didn’t know that Merlin’s voice had been stolen by sobs that had ripped him apart silently all night. Instead Merlin sniffled a bit and hoped that Gawain would use that as confirmation of his living body because his heart wasn’t in it anymore.

“I’m coming in Merls,” Gawain breathed, genuinely worried that his roommate might be dying of a cold or something, “I hope you’re decent.”

Gawain cracked the door a little and took in the image of Merlin lying in his bed completely broken with a song playing softly in the background. He didn’t need to do anything, but listen to the chorus to begin to understand why the man who had weathered two millennia was torn up after a short conversation.

“It’s because of him, right? I shouldn’t have even brought her up because you love him and you weren’t able to save him from what she did to him, yeah?” Gawain shook his head and Merlin just continued letting his tears stain the pillow, “Merls, he chose her. It wasn’t your fault.”

That did it. Merlin sat up in his bed and looked at Gawain with hatred boring holes into his soul.

“No. It wasn’t my fault, it’s her fault, always has been. No, my job was to save him and I couldn’t! Can you imagine holding Kay as he bled to death because you didn’t make it? Because that’s what it was for me. It wasn’t my fault that he was broken and angry as he went to battle. That was her fault, but I wasn’t there for him either. I failed him and you can’t even imagine the guilt Gawain,” he took a shuddering breath, “Alex was my saving grace because he loved me and he made the pain bearable, but without him I’m just the same mess I’ve been since that day.” Merlin couldn’t hold back the sobs as he fell under the weight of his feelings, letting the bed stop his fall.

Gawain tried to imagine Kay dying in his arms, but the mere thought of Kay dying seemed so impossible that even his wildest imagination couldn’t dream up that reality. He couldn’t imagine holding Kay as he died because if Kay died then Gawain wanted to die. What was life without him? Even so, to know that Kay died because he was too late, because he couldn’t get his shit together-how was Merlin even breathing? The thought of it all made Gawain lightheaded and worthless because he could imagine Merlin’s pain, but if it were anything like he imagined, there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to make it better. Gawain stretched out on the bed next to Merlin’s shuddering body and wrapped his strong arms around Merlin, hoping that he could hold this man together. Gawain could understand what Merlin was feeling and he wanted nothing more than to find the present Arthur and give him to poor Merlin. Merlin was so lost in his turbulent emotions that he barely noticed Gawain’s arms, he was thinking of the last time a pair of arms held him like this.

(flashback)

“Merlin?” Arthur asked in the softest voice that Merlin could have ever imagined in the entire universe, “Merlin, I’m here for you. What do you need?”

Merlin could not manage a word between sobs. His mother was dead and he was officially an orphan. No one in this world could soothe the dull ache in his chest because no one could understand the unbearable pain he felt. Certainly not Arthur, prince of the realm, who had a father and a sister to love and come home to every day, Merlin only had a small room in the castle with the court physician to return home to. Still, Merlin craved some small comfort from the prince because they had grown close over the last year; as close as a servant and master could ever be. Merlin made his small request between one body shaking sob and another, “Can you just hold me for a bit?”

Arthur was confused by this request, but, on his honor, he complied because someone needed him and he couldn’t help a good sob story. Arthur gently wrapped his arms around Merlin, holding Merlin’s shoulders, keeping them from splitting apart from his grief-stricken sobs. Merlin marveled at the strength in the man’s arms as they held him. He could feel the muscles pulled taught and the rise and fall of Arthur’s chest against his back. For a moment, a singular moment, Merlin let himself imagine that he and Arthur were lovers and that this was the natural progression of their courtship. It was a marvelous scene and story. The little prince and his servant, in love. A great and passionate love. Love that would transcend time and space. Then reality beckoned as Arthur unwound himself from Merlin because the sobs had finally stopped tearing their way through Merlin’s frail body. The joy of such love had soothed his raw emotions, but without Arthur’s arms around him, Merlin couldn’t keep the story in his head going. The love he wanted did not exist because it could not. Arthur was an honorable bloke with honorable desires and intentions. Desires and intentions reserved for women, not men.

In fact, Arthur already had a woman he had his eyes on, Guinevere, a simple servant of Morgana’s. He delighted in her company and attempted poetry about her beauty and honor. Merlin stumbled across it one morning while he was polishing the prince’s armor. It was sweet verse, simplistic at best, but sweet and wonderful. Merlin wished he had been the “dark haired beauty whose voice could bring the angels to shame”, but he was Arthur’s idiot servant.

It was at this moment that Merlin accepted his feelings for Arthur and the impossibility of their return.

(End flashback)

“Gawain,” Merlin managed with a very scratchy voice, “he was the last man to hold me like this and remembering it makes the pain worse, but thank you for trying.” Gawain tightened his grip around Merlin,

“I’m going to take care of you the only way I know how. I’m going to comfort you until you feel warm and fuzzy and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Merlin smiled a little at that, “Fine, but I’m not sure when I’ll stop this useless crying.” Gawain offered another nugget of sage wisdom,

“You’ll stop crying when it’s time to stop crying and not a moment sooner. A good cry is just what the doctor recommended for a very broken heart.” Gawain rubbed Merlin’s back a bit and just held him for a few hours.

Finally, Merlin remembered that there were things to be done. He had people to meet and win over for Arthur’s sake. He had an evil to find and figure out how to defeat. He had a former prince to find and reunite with his knights.

***

Gawain led the way to Perceval and Bohrs’ apartment while Merlin took ginger steps forward. Other than Kay, Perceval was the only other person that Merlin hadn’t really gotten along with. Through no fault of their own, Perceval and Merlin just couldn’t find anything to bond over. Arthur was the only glue between those two men and Merlin. Gawain was Merlin’s link to Kay, a connection that Merlin found more and more invaluable as he imagined having to convince each and every one of these men to unite under a common cause.

Bohrs on the other hand was one of Merlin’s favorite people in the entire world because they would always get into trouble together. Bohrs was one of the only knights who saw Merlin’s magic as an opportunity to prank anyone. They found themselves in so many shenanigans that ended with them admitting that they had indeed been the ones who put itching powder in Gawain’s helmet, they did use a magic spell to dye Perceval’s teeth blue, or that they had accidently switched Arthur’s soup with Lyon’s and Arthur had taken the potion Bohrs had Merlin make in retaliation for Lyon’s constant bullying and that he should probably stay near his chambers. Merlin was so excited to see Bohrs, but the thought of Perceval made Merlin quite apprehensive about the meeting. Finally, they found themselves on the two boy’s welcome mat and Gawain was knocking on the door. As Merlin had expected, Perceval answered and took one look a Merlin and his face was full of obvious disdain for Merlin already.

“Gawain.” That was the only greeting that Perceval offered the two. Gawain smiled and patted Perceval’s back.

“Percy! Where’s that little brother of yours? We came over to see if you two were interested in having a Lord of the Rings marathon. If I remember correctly, you and your brother loved the movies…”

Percy crooked a smile at Gawain and nodded his head,

“Bohrs is out buying dinner for the both of us, but when we finish eating, we will come over and watch with you guys. Who is this, by the way?”

Percy offered a hand in Merlin’s direction, Merlin accepted it,

“I’m Merlin Emrys, new roommate. You can call me Merls or Emrys. Either one is fine with me.”

Percy smiled tight lipped at Merlin and asked,

“Merls? Well Merls, you have a bit of an accent, where are you from?”

Merlin blushed,

“I’m from all over really, but I spent a good portion of my life in Britain.”

Percy nodded, accepting this answer with suspicion in his eyes. Percy was obviously not one for trusting so easily in this life. Merlin couldn’t help but wonder what lay beneath Percy’s cool exterior? Why he and his brother were alone without parents, when Percy couldn’t be older than nineteen or twenty?

Percy gave a tight smile and retreated inside his apartment, closing the door as he said, “When Bo gets back we’ll head that way.”

Gawain turned and smiled at Merlin,

“See? Easy as pie.”

Merlin shook his head and couldn’t help the conspiratorial grin that spread across his face, “You realize that Percy doesn’t trust me at all?”

Gawain chuckled,

“He doesn’t trust anyone at first; you just gotta prove that you got stones and that you ain’t a blabbermouth.”

Merlin just strolled away from the door, Gawain padding behind him, both content to return to their apartment until Bo and Percy arrived, but that’s when Merlin saw a kid carrying too much in his arms and ran to help him.

“Hey, can I help you with some of that?”

The kid grunted and Merlin couldn’t see his face, but he knew that the person in front of him couldn’t be any older than sixteen or seventeen and he was carrying his weight in Tai food. Merlin took a few bags off the top and revealed the boy was Bo. Merlin didn’t say anything or really react; he simply let the poor guy lead the way to the apartment. Bo unlocked the door and gestured for Merlin to go in before him. When Merlin saw the inside of the apartment, he was bombarded with football paraphernalia from posters to signed footballs mounted on shelves to the football themed table cloth. He must’ve been gaping, but he didn’t possess enough sense to shut his mouth because he felt like he walked into the Nirvana of football. There was a giant flat screen playing a game, a futon sitting in front of the flat screen that was obviously well-worn, and the boy was even wearing a football jersey. The boy, who was obviously Bo, waved his hand in front of Merlin’s face,

“Hello? Anybody home?”

Merlin turned to face Bo head on and Bo was suddenly taken aback. He stumbled back, shocked for no apparent reason, and almost knocked all the food off of the small table that stopped his retreat. Merlin extended a hand,

“You alright mate?”

Bo’s expression went from complete shock to a pleasantly surprised grin.

“It’s you, isn’t it? Merlin? Oh my god, I wasn’t dreaming! You’re real! Percy! Come look, it’s Merlin from all of those dreams I’ve been having since the wreck!”

Percy charged into the room, took one look at Merlin and shouted,

“Get the fuck out of my house! You fucking liar!”

Merlin had considerable skill when it came to knocking a grown man on his ass with his magic, but Percy was easily twice Merlin’s size and mostly muscle. Merlin hesitated only a moment before making a beeline for the door, but Bo caught his arm before he could really escape and by then Gawain was already holding back Percy.

“Fucking idiot is filling my brother’s head with nonsense! I want him out Gawain! Right, the fuck, now!”

Gawain attempted a soothing tone as he said,

“Dude, he’s not filling your brother’s head with anything, your brother just happened to remember his past life, its cool man. Just chill.”

At that Percy swung at Gawain who ducked and managed to restrain the man on the floor, shoving his face in the ground.

“You fucking move, and I will fuck you up man. Merls hasn’t done anything, he’s just trying to help your brother and your brother remembered. Not Merls’ fault that you don’t have two brain cells to rub together.”

Percy wasn’t convinced,

“You shut the fuck up! He’s a motherfucking bastard! I finally got Bo to stop believing those dreams were real, and he’s been here all of five seconds and he’s fucking them up all over again!”

Gawain looked to Merlin and Merlin looked at Bo who was staring in near disbelief at the man standing before him. Bo looked away from Merlin and saw his brother struggling under Gawain’s steely hold and said,

“For the love of- Percy, we both know that Gawain could probably fuck you up worse than you can, so just stop. Look, this guy,” Bo gestured to Merlin, “he was a good friend of ours once and he will be again. Just give him a chance to explain.”

Percy glared at Merlin and Merlin just shook his head,

“I don’t even know where to begin…,” Bo smiled encouragingly; “I guess I should tell you that you have lived once before. All of you have. I’ve been alive for over two thousand years because I’m an unbelievably powerful warlock. You and I lived during the time of the round table, and you three were some of Arthur’s knights.”

Merlin paused, allowing all of that to sink into Percy’s brain before he continued, “Up until a few weeks ago, I was living the closest thing to a normal life that I’ve ever had and that’s when I was informed by the powers-that-be that I needed to find all the knights and reunite them with Arthur so they could face the unspeakable evil that will rise up and destroy the world unless we can stop it.”

Percy scowled at that,

“So where’s Arthur then?”

At that Gawain and Bo also stared at Merlin intently, but Merlin just looked at a picture of a man frozen in the Heisman pose, trying to think of the best way to tell them that he had no fucking clue where Arthur was or what he was even doing. Merlin shook his head and returned Percy’s stare as he nutted up to say,

“I’ve got no fucking clue where that wanker is, but if I find out, you’ll be the first to know.”

Percy barked a laugh and Merlin couldn’t help but shudder at the harshness of it.

“So I’m supposed to believe that you’re an all-powerful wizard and that we’re knights and there’s some guy out there named Arthur that will somehow unite us all against some great and terrible boogey monster?”

Merlin thought about it and bobbed his head in response. Percy slouched against the tiled floor, giving up the struggle against Gawain’s hold, and began laughing hysterically. Merlin and the other two stared at Percy until the young man finally found his senses and shouted,

“I don’t believe you! I don’t believe you at all! I’m not coming with you on a quest to save the world, or even a quest to reunite the medieval Rolling Stones. Thanks, but no thanks.”

Merlin felt his magic swell in his chest as anger took over his body and he lost all control. His eyes glowed bright, his body hovering in midair, and his voice shook the building as he gave his response,

“Your singular destiny is of no worth to me, you are but a mere mortal. I am Emrys, the man, the myth, and the legend. I do not need you and I have no want of you Perceval. I am here to collect willing soldiers for my master and king, not mice who hide from the truth. I am offering you a better path than that of a boy who cannot out run his past. Accept my offer or do not, neither will make a significant difference to me or the greater destiny of the world because Arthur will rise; it is foretold. The past will catch up with you because you are powerless to stop it. Accept your destiny and leave all the rest behind you.”

Percy shuddered and realization crept over his features. He may not have remembered Merlin, but he now knew the full magnitude of Merlin’s power and his own destiny. He became rather distraught at the realization, to the point of hysterics, but in the end his shoulders fell and a relinquished,

“I won’t lose my brother. I’m with you Emrys, but if you let me down or get Bo killed, then I will annihilate you.”

Merlin, who was tired from allowing so much magic to run through him, smiled and offered his hand to Percy. Percy stared at the outstretched hand, deciding if he would actually go this far for his little brother. Merlin felt the indecision and started to pull back. That’s when Percy trapped Merlin’s hand in a tight grip that threatened to break his hand and Merlin knew that he had gained another ally and possible enemy.

Bo and Percy both swore their alliances to Arthur and Emrys mission for a golden age. Merlin felt a sense of success after gaining the trust and oath of Percy and Bo, but there was also a bittersweet defeat as Merlin reflected on the fact that he was still lonely. He wasn’t alone, he was standing in the middle of a room full of people there because of his cause, and he was lonely. He was the only person who could ever understand the depths of his despair and loneliness. They did stick to the original plan to marathon Lord of the Rings, but there was this edge to the silence. It was like Merlin was trying to balance the trust given him on the edge of a sword. Bo clapped a hand on Merlin’s back in encouragement because Bo could feel Merlin’s unrest.

“Don’t worry man,” Bo whispered as Frodo acted like a little bitch for the millionth time, “Percy’s an all-around dick. Don’t take it personally.”

Merlin managed a weak smile,

“I’m glad you remember Bo. You were always my favorite.”

Bo was so young in this present time, the innocence in his eyes as he stared at Merlin hopefully was like a reminder of the time that had passed. Bo was his past and his future. He wasn’t afraid like Gawain or Percy. He wasn’t as resolute as Dag. He was Bo. He was the kid that would defend any of his friends to the ends of the earth. He was the one that fell first against Mordred’s army. He tried to defeat Mordred on his own because he didn’t believe that Arthur was the only one with the strength to defeat the evil sorcerer. Merlin knew how much Bo had looked up to him and he knew that some part of Bo had loved him romantically, despite Merlin’s repeated warnings that his heart belonged to his king. Bo lived the life of a young man, he’d never been married and he died with an infinite amount of love and faith in Merlin and the destiny of the world. Merlin was crushed when he found Bo’s body, but it was only the beginning of his sorrows. Not ten minutes after finding Bo’s body, Merlin came across a dying Arthur.

Merlin stared at Bo’s smile and he tried to return it in some measure. Bo recognized the difference in Merlin. Bo remarked,

“You really have changed. And the same all at once.”

Merlin nodded,

“I am a two thousand year old twenty two year old. I’m gonna have some issues after all that time.”

Bo smiled,

“There he is. That’s the Merlin I knew. I know I haven’t known you long in this time, but I missed you.”

Merlin nodded, tears threatening to spill from his reluctant eyes,

“I missed you the most my dear friend.”

Bo shook his head,

“I know who you really missed. You missed your King. Don’t try to fool me. Don’t worry, I grew out of my crush on you.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow,

“Oh really?”

Bo shook his head,

“No, you’ll always be my best friend and my first love, but at least in this lifetime I can be openly bisexual, so I’m not as stuck on you.”

Merlin smiled,

“I’m happy for you Bo.” Bo nodded his head in thanks.

Merlin nodded and they both returned to watching their movies. Merlin barely noticed when Bo took his hand and held it during the third movie. That had always been their friendship. They were always quick to shift back and forth between friends and something more. Merlin was quick to drop Bo’s hand once the movie ended and Bo frowned, upset by the sudden loss of connection to Merlin.

Percy ushered Bo out quickly and turned to Gawain to say,

“You keep him in check. Let us know when you need us, but stay away otherwise.”

Both Gawain and Merlin nodded in agreement. Even though Merlin loved Bo, he knew how confusing things could get for him.

The next day Gawain and Merlin went to work and spoke with Dag conspiratorially during their lunch breaks. For a time, Merlin was just explaining what was happening and what would happen after they gathered the knights. It was boring for a time, but that was before Lance showed up on Gawain’s front porch with a passed out Guinevere in his arms.

“GAWAIN!” Lance shouted, “She’s not waking up! What do I do?!”

Gawain was quick to get up from the couch where he’d been watching wrestling. Merlin was the one who opened the door and Lance hadn’t even noticed the new face because he was so focused on the easily recognizable Guinevere. They would always find their ways back to one another and they would always love one another, even if it was a self-destructive kind of love.

Gawain took Guinevere from Lance and rushed her to the bathroom. He wet his fingers and shoved his fingers down her throat until she was vomited the toxic chemicals out of her body. Gawain held her hair back and whispered calming things and even hummed an old lullaby to her. It was the same lullaby that he hummed as he died on the battlefield that fateful day.

Guinevere slumped back and as her head lolled back, her eyes connected with Merlin’s. Fear filled her eyes and she struggled against Gawain until her feeble body gave up and passed out. Merlin volunteered to keep an eye on her during the night and gave his bed to Lance. He sat by Guinevere’s side and around four in the morning she stirred. Merlin leaned in closer to make sure she wasn't trying to puke or anything, but her eyelids flew back and she nearly screamed when she saw Merlin.

“Merlin?! Merlin, please don’t hurt me. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to Arthur, but I just didn’t want to let you down. Please forgive me!”

She was sweating from the drugs and fear and Merlin slowly nodded his head.

“Don’t fear me Guinevere. I won’t harm you, so long as you’re honest. I don’t forgive you though.”

Tears streamed down her cheeks. She reached out to take Merlin’s hand, but Merlin moved away from her and ordered,

“Sleep Guinevere.”

She didn’t really sleep so much as sob silently as she realized that her best friend would never forgive her for the mistake she’d made in another life. Merlin kept an eye on her until Lance came to relieve him. Merlin handed Lance a piping cup of coffee and barely grazed his fingers.

Lance yanked away from the touch and looked stricken,

“Don’t touch me!”

Merlin raised his hands in mock surrender,

“Wow, no disrespect, but you’re being a tad bit touchy don’t you think?”

He shook his head at Merlin,

“No, I don’t think I’m being too touchy Warlock.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow,

“So you remember?”

Lance rolled his eyes,

“Of course I remember. I always remembered. I knew from the first memory of this life that I was Sir Lancelot. I knew what I was accused of and I know how you failed to show up on time.”

Guinevere stirred and Lance flitted to her side. Merlin didn’t let go of Lance’s words and challenged his recollection,

“Actually, I was on time, but because you and Guinevere had to have each other and were stupid enough to get caught, Arthur went to battle early!”

Lance glowered and spat,

“I know we fucked up! You should’ve been there though! Where were you Merlin?”

Merlin sighed,

“I was trying to make ready the kingdom for their king’s return. Little did I know that he wouldn’t be returning! Do you know what that did to the world? Do you know what that did to me Lance?! I was alone! I was utterly and completely alone in this world for two thousand years.”

Lance looked at Merlin with sympathy and turned away as tears made their paths on his cheek. Merlin could understand everyone’s anger with him for being too late, but Lance was the reason he was too late. He didn’t even know about Arthur’s heartbreak until he found Guinevere in the palace dungeon. He didn’t know that his king’s need was at his greatest until it was too late. Lance and Guinevere both knew that even though Merlin was late, they were the reason for all the rush and the failure in Arthur’s plans.

Lance grimaced as there was a strange ringtone filling the air. Merlin found Gawain’s phone and answered before the second verse of Get Low played. Lance laughed,

“Gawain’s never gonna grow up, no matter how many lives he lives.”

The voice that came over the other side of the line when Merlin answered was familiar,

“Gawain? Please don’t be angry with me. I do love you, but that’s in a strictly brotherly way. I’m engaged, please stop reminding me of our mistakes in the past. I’m happy!”

Merlin knew it was Kay, so he told him,

“Kay, this is Merlin, Gawain’s asleep, but I can go wake him if you want.”

Kay sheepishly replied,

“Never mind. Just tell him that I called, please?”

“Sure thing.”

There was click and then the line was dead. Merlin thought about the new development. It wasn’t too long ago that Merlin had said the same things to himself about his feelings for Arthur. He wasn’t able to truly mull over this particular development because there was still a bothersome problem with Lance and Guinevere.

“Look,” Merlin started, “we have to forget the past for now. Arthur is going to need you Lance,” he paused thinking long and hard about his next words, “and I’m sure he will need you as well Guinevere.”

Guinevere sat up, fear still filled her eyes, but her words were full of bitterness,

“Arthur doesn’t need me in his life. I’m just some girl he convinced himself to love because he couldn’t have you.”

Merlin’s face twisted as an array of emotions played across his face. He settled with disbelief,

“If that were true, he wouldn’t have been nearly so hurt by your betrayal, but,” Merlin sighed, “that’s all in the past as far as I am concerned. The fates brought you back Guinevere and that means you serve a purpose deeper than being Arthur’s wife from his past life.”

Guinevere thought about this for a moment and remained silent the rest of the night. Lance was still on the defense, it was obvious in his body language, but Merlin took his silence as his consent to play his part.

“Warlock,” Lance started, “I will play my part, but if Arthur doesn’t want me in the end, then I won’t be where I’m not wanted.”

Merlin nodded and added,

“It’s Merls in this life, actually.”

Lance nodded and mentioned,

“It’s Lance and Gwen in in this life.”

Merlin gave a swift nod and happily repeated,

“Lance and Gwen. Got it.”

All three felt a sort of peace settling over the room. Merlin excused himself to his room to get some shut eye before he had to go to work at noon. For once, Merlin felt like things might turn out okay for him. He had almost gathered all the knights that he knew of; the knights that were trusted confidants of his king. He was content, if only for this moment in his existence.

***

Merlin went to his room, wanting nothing more than to fall on his bed and let sleep over take him in one fell swoop. However, the tall, raven-haired, leggy woman sitting on his bed halted all thoughts of sleep and a brief escape from reality.

“Oh Merlin,” the sweet voice chimed, “You didn’t think I would remember what you did to me? Killing me with poison was a wise move on your part. Spared Arthur the trouble of pretending to search for his sister’s murderer and his savior, but I remember Merlin. I know and so does _he._ ”

Merlin didn’t even bother asking who she meant because there was only one other person in the world that would go into business with Morgana.

“How is Mordred adjusting to the twenty-first century?”

Morgana laughed without humor,

“I rather hoped you would know because I’ve been searching ever since I remembered, but Mordred has hidden well. He must know, no other reason a man would hide himself so well,” Morgana gestured for Merlin to sit on the bed beside her, “I know he’s got to be at least forty. I found out he was born in one of those terrible Irish nunneries during the 1960’s, but all of the paper trails were mysteriously destroyed right after I started looking for him.”

Merlin didn’t dare show any interest,

“That’s too bad. I guess he won’t be in the tale.”

Morgana chuckled,

“What would Arthur be if he didn’t have a foe to face? We both know that things are different this time around. Arthur and Mordred will find each other eventually; the question is whether or not we will find them. Don’t worry sweetheart,” her southern accent came through on the last word, “we all know Arthur’s true downfall. And it wasn’t Mordred.”

Merlin shook his head and tried to reign in the sudden flare of anger,

“I remember quite well. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like for you to leave.”

Morgana made a small movement with her wrist and there was blade resting on Merlin’s bed beside her.

“I found Excalibur for you, though I doubt he’ll be needing it in this century. Tell me Merlin, have you found your king?”

Merlin fisted his hands, trying to contain the magic inside of him, to keep from ripping out Morgana’s throat,

“I think you know that when he is ready, we will meet.”

Morgana threw her head back, cackling,

“That’s what fools say when they don’t know where their true loves are.”

Just like that, Merlin forgot himself and felt his hands go ablaze with the hate fire inside him. His eyes were golden and glowing in the dim light of the room with his fists,

“Morgana, get the fuck out of my room.”

Morgana lay back on his bed, testing his patience,

“Oh Merlin, still no women allowed in your bed? Do you ever find yourself saddened by the fact that you will never have offspring?”

Merlin approached the bed and placed a flaming hand around her neck,

“Do you ever feel sad, knowing that you will never bear children? That you gave up the ability for your magic. For your sister.”

Morgana’s catlike smile enraged Merlin, but he could see the pain in her eyes,

“At least I had love. At least I got to be with the man I loved. You got to share a room with an old man and serve the wife of the man you loved.”

Merlin corrected,

“Love.”

She grinned and then she vanished, the creases in the sheets were the only evidence she’d been there. Merlin picked up Excalibur and felt the magic pulsing within it, even after a thousand years, the sword never lost any of its magic. Merlin ran a finger along the edge of it, making a small cut on his pad. He stared at the blood and then he did something that he had tried once before. Merlin made two clean cuts up his wrists. He felt the blood rush out of him and that death was close at hand, but then his magic knit the wounds back together and healed him. Any weapon of this world couldn’t kill him, so he placed the sword aside and cleaned his sheets magically and went to bed. He had nearly gathered all of the knights, could see each of them beginning to remember their lives, and he knew that the time for him to meet Arthur was close at hand.

Merlin pondered the curious case of Lance and Gwen that was presented before him: Gwen was a drug addict and Lance was an underpaid government official. It all seemed so terribly ironic that Lance was chasing the very person he should prosecute in court, just like Merlin protecting the very man who abhorred his abilities and methods of protection. Merlin realized that fate had gotten its revenge on Lance and Gwen’s love story, last time it hadn’t been a question of whether or not Gwen loved Lance, and now their love was fucked up. Merlin was ashamed at the amount of pleasure he took in their pain in this life.

Merlin emerged from his room a little while later and found the house was still occupied by the unhappy couple, with Lance still sitting at Gwen's side. 

“Lance,” Merlin began, “I think you need to drop her off at a rehab facility and not look back because she’s a lost cause. I promise you that she will be thankful for your assistance one day, but for now, she’s useless. She can’t love you.”

Lance looked like he was in agony and then there was nothing. Merlin had no idea what happened next because all he heard was a gunshot followed by a severe amount of pain in his lower abdomen. He remembered hearing Gawain’s screams, but when Merlin woke up, he wasn’t in the quaint little apartment that he’d called home, he was in a dark basement and he wasn’t alone.

 4: Gwen and Merlin-

Merlin was laying on a mattress that looked rather unsavory, attached to an IV that he couldn’t help but question the origins of. The basement was dark and dank, but he could still see the familiar figure, crouched against the wall, dark curls spilling over her face. Gwen was wherever Merlin was and for a split second he thought he was in hell. Merlin found that he could move his limbs, but the gunshot wound he had in his lower abdomen limited his mobility greatly. He had no idea how the both of them had gotten there and he wasn’t even sure who had them captive, but judging by the chain that stretched from his ankle to the wall, their host wasn’t friendly.

“Gwen?” Merlin whispered, “Gwen, can you hear me?”

Gwen looked up at Merlin, her eyes full of tears and sobbed,

“I’m so, so sorry Merlin. I shouldn’t have run off with Lancelot like that, but I thought Arthur would be fine. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have done it. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that you’ve been alone all this time and that I ever came between you and Arthur.”

Merlin was shocked that Gwen was apologizing and remembering all the shit she had done that had screwed him over. He didn’t know how to respond at first, but then he found his words,

“I won’t forgive you Gwen. I will never forgive what you and Lancelot did to Arthur because it caused so much pain and suffering to enter the world. And all of it was for you two to get a happy ending? Fuck you. I don’t care about that right now. What I care about is who is keeping us hostage?”

Gwen grimaced,

“I think its Mordred, or at least, this time’s Mordred. The only person I remember seeing was Morgana and then there was a strange, dark haired man with piercing blue eyes. He sat by your bed and kept saying, ‘You can make all this end by just waking up and joining me,’ but you never woke up and now he’s really angry because he can’t find Arthur. That’s why he took me, he figured that Arthur would come looking for one of us, but so far he’s had no luck.”

I nodded along and asked,

“Has anyone contacted you from home?”

She shook her head,

“It’s just been Morgana and Mordred. They used magic to patch you up for the most part. Morgause was too enthusiastic about shooting you and nearly killed you. For that, Mordred killed her. That stain over there,” Gwen pointed, “that’s what’s left of the great and fearsome sorceress Morgause.”

Merlin looked at the brownish stain in horror and looked back at Gwen,

“Are you chained up like me?”

She shook her head,

“No, they chained you up in iron so you couldn’t use your magic. Merlin,” she sighed, “we are screwed.”

Merlin shook his head,

“No we aren’t. I’ll get us out of here, but that’s the last time I save your life. Then I want you gone. Forever.”

Gwen nodded,

“I know Merlin. I’m so terribly sorry for what I did. I hope that I can make it up to you one day.”

Merlin barked a harsh laugh,

“Fat chance that’ll ever happen.”

Gwen hid her face then and Merlin felt ashamed for his harsh words. Gwen had made a mistake, but that didn’t give him the right to be mean to her. He resolved himself to try and get along with Gwen until he could save them both.

For the most part, the two spent days just uselessly trapped with no escape plans and minimal communication. It wasn’t until Merlin witnessed Gwen’s shaking and nightmares that he realized that she was suffering from withdrawals. He could see it etched in all of her features. In the past she had been beautiful and pure, but now she was thin and pale from drugs. She had this look in her eyes like she’d seen far too many shady characters and grown up in the shadows. She was the same person inside, still tender and kind, but the drugs and demons of her past had damaged her. Merlin wanted to offer her some form of comfort, but what could he do?

Merlin remembered hunting for Gwen and Lance after Arthur’s death and when he found them, the only reason he didn’t kill them was the young, blond boy that was following Gwen as she bustled about their tiny home. The boy she called Arthur. Merlin also saw a dark haired baby girl in Gwen’s arms called Ella. He knew that Arthur was the king’s son and heir, knew that the boy would be a reminder of Gwen’s sins. He resigned himself to let Gwen and Lance live out their days peacefully, but only so long as Arthur remained as a reminder of the pain and suffering the pair had caused. That’s what Merlin told himself to relieve his cowardice. He knew he couldn’t have killed Gwen because he loved her too much, but he also couldn’t find the strength to forgive her sins against Arthur.

Gwen didn’t talk to Merlin for a while and it seemed that they would both waste away from hunger. When Morgana brought food to the pair of them, she was rather snide with Merlin,

“Oh, Merlin, don’t you realize you’re alone. Arthur is never going to save you. Turns out Mordred wasn’t hiding, he was just trying to find you first and he won. You’ll always lose Merlin.”

“Fuck you, Morgana.”

Morgana slapped Merlin hard across the cheek, leaving a read mark and few scratches.

“Oh Merlin, you shouldn’t have done that because I really want to love you.”

Morgana turned away and went to talk to Gwen,

“Guinevere, you silly little child. You should’ve stayed away from Lancelot. I showed you how to get away from him. I buried you in the haze of drugs for a reason. I even let you get gang-banged, but you were an idiot and went running back to him. You are such a child.”

Gwen sucked her teeth at that,

“You are an idiot. You always thought you knew best. Well, Lance will save me and Arthur will come back. He will.”

Morgana smirked at Gwen and whispered,

“The thing is that Mordred killed the little boy you knew and he’ll never be the same. He will never love you. Even if he remembers, he’ll never forgive you.”

Merlin laughed at that,

“He’ll never forgive you, but he would forgive Gwen for anything. That’s the real reason you’re angry, isn’t it? Gwen got to be queen because Arthur could forgive her sins, but he never forgave yours.”

Morgana whipped around and stalked over to Merlin,

“Merlin, you know that cute little man that you fell in love with? What was his name? Alec?” Merlin showed no reaction so she continued, “Mordred found him and now he knows everything Merlin. Alex is upstairs somewhere, helping Mordred by telling him everything that he knows about you. Your strengths and weaknesses, what food you like and what food you don’t like; he’s giving all your secrets away because he loved you and you never told him the truth. He will never forgive your sins.”

Morgana left and when she came back, she had two trays in her hands and laid them in front of Merlin and Gwen. She skipped back towards the stairs and she only turned back to say,

“One day, you’ll both pay for your sins, that I will make sure of.”

Then Morgana was gone.

Gwen poked at her food, but didn’t eat a thing. Merlin barely took the time to register what he was eating because he was so ravenous. He looked at Gwen and muttered,

“You should eat something. You’ll waste away.”

Gwen looked up to acknowledge Merlin and she whispered,

“I don’t know if I really want to. I kinda wish I could just die. This is all my fault.”

Merlin stopped shoving food in his mouth long enough to look Gwen in the eyes and say,

“This could be your chance to make things right.”

Gwen looked Merlin in the eyes as she asked,

“Do you really think so?”

Merlin nodded and found that he truly believed that Gwen really could right the wrongs of her past. If he could get a second chance to serve Arthur then Gwen could change her life.

“Speaking from over two thousand years of experience, believe me, you can fix any mistake you’ve made through sacrifice and love.”

Gwen nodded, tears filling her eyes,

“Thank you Merlin.”

Merlin and Gwen went back to companionable silence for a few hours before Merlin had a sudden realization.

“Gwen, you aren’t tied up.”

Gwen nodded and stood up to show that she had full control of her body.

“Come here and undo my shackles.”

Gwen grimaced and walked toward Merlin. Suddenly, a beam of light struck out and threw her against the opposite wall; Morgana’s cackles echoing in the background.

“Honestly, Merlin, how stupid do you think I am?”

Merlin couldn’t help himself,

“Rather hoped you were stupid enough to leave Gwen unchained so that I could use her to escape.”

Morgana stalked towards Merlin like a predator,

“You know, I always thought you were rather cute, even wanted to offer you my bed for a night, but you were always too busy obsessing over Arthur. Merlin, were you ever straight?”

Merlin shook his head in defiance,

“It was the sight of you that turned me.”

Morgana scoffed at that and turned to Gwen saying some small enchantment for healing before she turned to leave again. Merlin realized after Morgana disappeared, that there was truly no escape from this cage for him and Gwen. Not unless Merlin could find a way to get his shackles off. Merlin wasn’t even sure that someone would be trying to save them. He was sure that Gwen and him were screwed because the only people who knew about their kidnap was Gawain and Lance. Lance was probably trying to get over Gwen, while Gawain wouldn’t even know where to begin looking. Gawain wouldn’t be able to pull it off on his own. The only person who had ever been able to rescue him and Gwen was Arthur, and God only knew where he was. In this time he could live on a desert island with giant sea turtles, content to be the king of his own little world.

Merlin couldn’t help the sob that escaped his chest as he thought about how hopeless their situation was. Alex was somewhere upstairs giving away Merlin’s secrets without care because he left him. Then Merlin allowed himself to acknowledge how much he missed the life that he and Alex would’ve had together if he hadn’t listened to Killagarrah. Merlin was still in love with Alex and it hurt him to know that Alex was so angry that he would do anything to hurt Merlin. Merlin didn’t know what to do because even if he got out of the clutches of Morgana and Mordred, there was still the obstacle of finding Arthur and making sure Alex was returned to his life before with no memory of Merlin whatsoever. That was the only solution for Alex because while he remembered Merlin, Alex would pursue Merlin tirelessly until he died because the man had loved Merlin entirely and he wouldn’t give up. Alex would wait for Merlin the same way Merlin would wait for Arthur. In a lot of ways, Alex and Arthur were similar. They were both loyal to a fault and passionate despite a cool reserved attitude. They both had this way of making Merlin feel like he was this beacon of hope instead of someone who wreaked havoc on everyone’s life he was in. The both had these blue eyes that reminded Merlin so much of a stream, calm and clear with a moral compass that points due north and the strength to follow it. They both had blonde hair, but Arthur’s was like spun gold, while Alex’s was darker and less golden. They both made Merlin smile. Arthur and Alex were so similar, that Merlin began to piece together why he’d loved Alex so much in the first place. It was wrong, but Merlin knew all along that Alex was like a substitute for Arthur, and Merlin wasn’t afraid of using him shamelessly to fill the void left in his soul.

Merlin decided to just give up on this whole venture. If the world were going to see a golden age, obviously he wouldn’t be there to help usher it in. Instead, he would leave the knights to find Arthur and make this world a reality because everything Merlin has ever touched has turned to shite. Merlin lay down on the mattress, crying until he fell asleep, and once he fell asleep, he refused to move or eat because he just wanted to waste away and finally die. Not even his magic could compel him to touch the food his body sorely needed. It was then that Merlin officially gave up and the world seemed doomed.

 

End Part 1.

 


	2. The Memory was in the Forgetting (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2:  
> Arthur. The elusive Arthur has been in the wind.  
> Merlin has given up hope in being saved by his friends and has found an uneasy peace with his death at the hands of Mordred and Morgana.  
> Arthur is beginning.  
> His beginning was not easy in this life, but the exigence of his mission is here.  
> A new perspective is introduced with new faces joining the familiar crew as the knights are finally united in one place with their king.  
> Part two will have you on your toes as Arthur narrates his incredible journey to finding Merlin.  
> But will there be love when Arthur finds his Emrys? Or will the memories that Merlin treasures be dashed away by the duty and honor he still feels?  
> Or will the memory of love remain in the forgotten past?

**Prologue: ARTHUR- The Same Dream**

Arthur rolled out of the hotel bed and onto the floor and started his morning routine of push-ups. He had always done push-ups to relieve the excess morning energy he had after the same dream. It was always the same damn dream every night since he could remember. That wasn’t saying much because he didn’t remember anything before his tenth birthday when a lonely woman named Igraine found him on the side of the road and took him home to take care of him. Arthur remembered going through the scary process of being declared a ward of the state before being adopted by Igraine officially. Britain’s foster care system didn’t have the chance to soil Arthur they way it soiled many young boys his age. Arthur was saved by Igraine and, for a time, they were both happy, but when Arthur finally told Igraine about his recurring dream, she’d taken him to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told Igraine that it was Arthur’s subconscious trying to work out some past detail or shake loose a memory. He told Igraine not to worry, but it was no use. Igraine feared she would lose Arthur, worried herself sick.

Igraine died after Arthur’s sixteenth birthday. That’s when he was sent to live with his first foster family, under the roof of Uther. Uther and Arthur didn’t agree on much, but Uther taught Arthur what it meant to be a leader because he was the manager of a grocer. He taught Arthur that a leader was always the man who took care of his body and dressed appropriately. Uther and Arthur lived quite well together until Arthur graduated high school and Uther greeted him at the door with his packed bags and shut the door in Arthur’s face. Arthur had lived on the streets for three months before he went to university and won the roommate lottery.

Tristan Leon Goldman was the nicest, richest, handsomest man that Arthur had ever met. Leon was the name he preferred to go by and he was impressed with Arthur. Arthur’s body impressed him and for a while he they both flirted with one another, but one day Arthur saw someone that changed everything. Arthur had been watching the telly while working on a paper for sociology when he looked up and saw the same boy from his dreams. It was a grainy photograph from nineteen sixty-five, but that was most certainly the boy that Arthur had dreamt about since the first day he could remember. The dream was always the same for Arthur. Light blue eyes would greet him, tears rolling down sharp cheekbones, and the boy would hold Arthur and whisper nonsense about him not dying and how much he loved Arthur. Then the boy would hold Arthur closer and Arthur would awaken to the cold light of day. Not one night went by without that dream, but Arthur was almost relieved to see the man in his mind existed, but he must’ve been much older than Arthur’s dreams let on because there was no way that he would’ve looked that way since Arthur was born in the nineteen nineties. Still, the face haunted him now as a grown adult of twenty-two, and there was nothing he wanted more than to find this man, but even the photograph had listed him as unknown. Arthur hired everyone he could think of to find this man, but the only person that had given him anything was the private investigator William Boyle. Will had found out that the man appeared like this in several photos throughout history. He was in the background of the Gettysburg Address; he was in the crowd during Princess Diana’s wedding; he was a passer-by on the streets of New York during nine-eleven. He had been in there in some of the most significant moments in history and always in the background.

Will hadn’t offered an explanation, he just handed Arthur the photos and said that he didn’t understand and that he would not look into this case further despite Arthur’s pleas. Arthur desperately needed to know who this man was because he was the key to Arthur’s past and a small voice told him that he was the key to his future.

Arthur went on with his life after that though and became incredibly rich when he invested in one of Leon’s companies and wound up with a majority share on the ground level. He swiftly rose becoming even richer than Leon and his entire family combined. He was almost as rich as the three famous mafia brother’s Galahad, Geraint, and Gareth. He knew the mafia triplets from college as well and they had always followed Arthur around because they were supposedly pulled to him through something bone deep. They called it destiny, but Leon just called it crazy with a loyal spin. Either way, Arthur was glad to have them around because they were refreshingly blunt about their thoughts and beliefs. Leon was very proper, but the triplets were crass and Leon disdained them and they hated him, but they put up with each other because Arthur had loved them all equally. Those four men were the best friends he’d ever had in his entire life and he would happily lay down his life for any one of them. Which was why he agreed to help the triplets when they claimed that their American friend’s girlfriend had been abducted. He didn’t actually know how to help, but he started by flying to America with them, Leon in tow, to help investigate.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Merlin (the tv series), or any characters in that depiction. I wrote this for me. This is still a work in progress, been working on it on and off through the last year. Hope you like it. This is what I do for me and I would love feedback, but if it isn't constructive, please keep it to yourself. Thanks, Novembaby_13.


End file.
